Hiei and the Pineapple
by kakumeimei
Summary: Has anyone noticed how fun it is to torment Hiei? I have! Hiei has been hired by me to be an actor in my new fic, Hiei and the Pineapple. Will he survive? I doubt it! Please review!


Hiei and the Pineapple

By Melissa Tachigawa

Yay! I'm finally getting back to writing fics! Huzzah!

Miyu: Damn, damn, damn…

First off, I want everyone to know that **THIS IS A STUPID HUMOR FIC. **I want it to be stupid. It's supposed to be stupid. So if anyone flames me due to it being stupid and having virtually no plot whatsoever (or if they flame me because I'm torturing Hiei) **I will report you!!!** Got it? Good.

Oh, and one more thing. {} - These thingies signify that this is the story that the narrator is reading. If you don't see them, that means what you're reading is actually happening.

Well, that being said, let's get crackin'!

Disclaimer: Melissa does not own Yu-Yu Hakusho. She does, however, own the pineapple, for it is currently in her room.

{Hello, everyone, and thank you so very much for reading this one-shot. I'm your narrator, The Narrator. It's nice to be narrating this story for you today, and I hope you enjoy my oration. I first began narrating at the tender age of three, right after I learned my ABC's, and my parents knew then and there that I was made for narrating stardom. They immediately—}

Melissa, the fanfic's powerful and almighty authoress, glared at me. "Ahem," she said, continuing to glare angrily, "I hate to interrupt, but we kind of need to begin the fic. The pineapple gets paid by the hour, and it's killing my wallet."

Beside her, the acclaimed pineapple was sitting in a director's chair and drinking espresso. I sweat dropped.

I nodded at the authoress, and continued my narration, which we all know I am absolutely brilliant at doing. I must say that narrating is my calling! It's a gift sent from Enma-sama himself! I'd like to thank—

"AHEM!!"

I looked nervously over at Melissa, who was now fuming. "I did it again, didn't I, boss?" She nodded, so I apologized and returned to my narration.

And now, I bring you the fic.

{Once upon a time, there was a fire demon that liked to sleep in trees. But he was no ordinary fire demon, no sir. This particular fire demon's name was "Hiei", and he had a very bad temper. He didn't talk much either. He had spiky black hair accented with streaks of white and blue, crimson red eyes, and sinewy muscle on top of a 4"8 ½ frame—}

Hiei sprang awake and stood on the tree branch he had been sleeping on. "I'm four foot _nine_, baka ningen," he corrected me, glaring his trademark glare.

I shuddered. Why was everyone glaring at me today? Just a couple minutes ago, Melissa had glared at me—not once, but _twice_. And on top of that, this youkai had glared at me as well! I'm really starting to feel unloved. I'm going to have to talk to my psychiatrist about this—

"Hey, Narrator dude!!"

Uh oh. I'd really done it this time. Nervously, I turned to face the almighty authoress, who was now clenching her fists angrily. Her eyes were glowing red, and I knew that meant something bad would happen. I could see the pineapple laughing at me and drinking more of his espresso. This was bad…

"I don't care about your damn personal life," Melissa growled, desperately trying to control her temper so that the fic wouldn't blow up. "I just want you to narrate! So, start narrating or YOU'RE FIRED!!!"

I gulped, grabbed my script, and did as I was told. I couldn't afford to get fired, anyway.

{The gothic fire demon had been enjoying a pleasant nap, when the pineapple entered. It was no less than a fated meeting, no doubt about it.

Hiei studied the pineapple's features. Her spiky leaves resembled his spiky hair so much! He knew then, that he had finally met someone like him.}

Hiei suddenly turned to Melissa, and place a hand on his katana. "What is wrong with you?! Me, with a _pineapple?!_"

Melissa's eyes turned starry as she clasped her hands dreamily. "It's a match made in heaven!"

The youkai sighed resentfully, thinking to himself, _Just wait until she pays you. Then you can kill her._

{Hiei inched closer to the fruit, anxiety written on his face. "H-hello, Miss Pineapple. You have very lovely leaves."}

Once again, the demon turned to the authoress. "Do I really have to say that?"

Melissa nodded firmly. "Go get her, tiger!" she said encouragingly, giving him a thumbs up. He let out a mushroom sigh and turned back to pineapple.

{"Would…would you…would you care to…go on a killing spree with me?" he stuttered, his cheeks now the same shade as his eyes.

The pineapple merely stood there, playing hard to get. After a couple of uneasy moments for the youkai, she agreed.

"You would?! Hooray!" Hiei picked her up and they ran off into the night, slaughtering random third-class youkai in the Makai.}

Hiei groaned loudly. "Do I really have to say 'Hooray'?"

"Yep! Now stop complaining and make with the acting already!"

Hiei picked up the pineapple, and jumped off of the tree, scowling.

"Cut, and print!" Melissa yelled, grinning happily. "That's all for today, great work everyone!" She turned to the pineapple, which was now being massaged by her masseur. "And you, pine-y baby, you have star quality! You are money!"

Stupid, I know.

Miyu: More like extremely stupid.

Shut up, will ya? Yeesh. Anyway, review to make me get the heart-pounding conclusion of _Hiei and the Pineapple_ up sooner! Ja ne, minna-san!


End file.
